Mobile phones (use of while driving)

Don’t do it. Really. I mean, there are lots of places to pull over while you have your crucial chit-chat with one of the gals from the gym or one of the Friday night lads who’s a bit worried about how much chorizo to buy this week. If someone calls you while you’re out and about in town, or roaring along the Ruta, is there really, truthfully, hand on heart, any reason why you can’t, like the law requires, erm, stop? Or let them leave a message and call them back from the next service station?

Oh, I get it, you’re the reincarnation of Fangio. Of course, silly me…one undisputed motor racing superhero in a nation’s history instantly guarantees unquestionable prowess for all future generations of his people. Only we’re not all Fangio. Fangio’s dead and the only legacy he left us is an expensive brand of petrol. We’re just ordinary people, and, let’s face it, there are probably circus animals that can drive better than the vast majority of us, so let’s not complicate things with add-ons like mobile phones.

But wait, 95% of people believe they drive better than average. Ok, I made that statistic up, but how many of you are sitting there thinking: “Crazy English fool, of course I drive better than average.”

And that’s the point: most of us think we drive better than average, and the rest just laugh like drains as they plough through town oblivious to the trail of destruction and dead kittens they leave in their wake. But statistically we can’t all drive better than average, so half of us are wrong. So to be on the safe side, we should ALL assume that we are in the half that is wrong. It’s not that difficult. Look upon it as a service to the dim-witted clot behind you who is driving like a complete tool and doesn’t realise it, but you, the responsible road user, are wise enough to account for the vanities inherent in the human spirit and modify your behaviour accordingly. You know you CAN drive like Fangio, but you choose to drive like the Pope’s chauffeur, just to allow for the idiots. Beatification, surely, is guaranteed.

Somewhere, incredibly wise and qualified people have done research which shows us that using a phone whilst driving is more or less as stupid as driving while under the influence of alcohol, or defusing a hand grenade whilst masturbating into a bucket of nitroglycerin. If, for whatever reason, you believe that you live in the rarefied atmosphere which exists above the statute books, you are unbelievably dangerous because a) your arrogance transcends laws created by democratically* elected officials and backed up by nationally and internationally verified research, and b) you would clearly by association consider it within acceptable risk parameters to defuse a hand grenade whilst masturbating into a bucket of nitroglycerin. Either way, you’re a threat to humanity, and the only way you should be allowed to share asphalt with the rest of us is in a cage strapped to the back of a crippled donkey.

* – I know, I know, ha ha…”democracy” in Argentina. Es lo que hay.