Mobile phones (use of while driving)

Don’t do it. Really. I mean, there are lots of places to pull over while you have your crucial chit-chat with one of the gals from the gym or one of the Friday night lads who’s a bit worried about how much chorizo to buy this week. If someone calls you while you’re out and about in town, or roaring along the Ruta, is there really, truthfully, hand on heart, any reason why you can’t, like the law requires, erm, stop? Or let them leave a message and call them back from the next service station?

Oh, I get it, you’re the reincarnation of Fangio. Of course, silly me…one undisputed motor racing superhero in a nation’s history instantly guarantees unquestionable prowess for all future generations of his people. Only we’re not all Fangio. Fangio’s dead and the only legacy he left us is an expensive brand of petrol. We’re just ordinary people, and, let’s face it, there are probably circus animals that can drive better than the vast majority of us, so let’s not complicate things with add-ons like mobile phones.

But wait, 95% of people believe they drive better than average. Ok, I made that statistic up, but how many of you are sitting there thinking: “Crazy English fool, of course I drive better than average.”

And that’s the point: most of us think we drive better than average, and the rest just laugh like drains as they plough through town oblivious to the trail of destruction and dead kittens they leave in their wake. But statistically we can’t all drive better than average, so half of us are wrong. So to be on the safe side, we should ALL assume that we are in the half that is wrong. It’s not that difficult. Look upon it as a service to the dim-witted clot behind you who is driving like a complete tool and doesn’t realise it, but you, the responsible road user, are wise enough to account for the vanities inherent in the human spirit and modify your behaviour accordingly. You know you CAN drive like Fangio, but you choose to drive like the Pope’s chauffeur, just to allow for the idiots. Beatification, surely, is guaranteed.

Somewhere, incredibly wise and qualified people have done research which shows us that using a phone whilst driving is more or less as stupid as driving while under the influence of alcohol, or defusing a hand grenade whilst masturbating into a bucket of nitroglycerin. If, for whatever reason, you believe that you live in the rarefied atmosphere which exists above the statute books, you are unbelievably dangerous because a) your arrogance transcends laws created by democratically* elected officials and backed up by nationally and internationally verified research, and b) you would clearly by association consider it within acceptable risk parameters to defuse a hand grenade whilst masturbating into a bucket of nitroglycerin. Either way, you’re a threat to humanity, and the only way you should be allowed to share asphalt with the rest of us is in a cage strapped to the back of a crippled donkey.

* – I know, I know, ha ha…”democracy” in Argentina. Es lo que hay.

Consultation meetings that go round in circles

Great, let’s have a consultation about something really important, say, redesigning the country’s entire secondary education system. Brilliant. Three days off work, lots of mate, accreditation, handouts, presentations, activities, one third of the people paying attention and showing how much they know, one third drinking mate and flirting with each other, and one third complaining about what a boring old pile of shit this is.

Day 1: Some sweaty clueless people present the aim of the meeting – to redesign the fuck out of everything because it’s all buggered. Talk about how badly buggered it is, laugh at how badly buggered it is, never at any point contemplate that this roomful of people might just be capable of buggering it even more.

Day 2: What the fuck did we talk about yesterday? Ooh, just a quick recap then. What, no Powerpoint? No, sorry, that’s all tied up being used for pointless email attachments (see Powerpoint as neverending email attachment). So we’ll just draw something incomprehensible on some blue paper like in the good old days.

Day 3: Just to return to our previous point then, it’s all really buggered. So, what do you guys think?
Well, sweaty clueless people at the front, we, the bored people, agree it’s all really buggered. What we thought would be required would be some kind of “unbuggering” policy, perhaps shifting our focus towards “upfuckery” or maybe even a “shafting”. Yes, a good “shafting”.

So the conclusion after three days of earnest thinking is that some more thinking needs to be done, by some other people, far away, along the lines of shifting the emphasis away from buggering the country to shafting the country. Well done. Well done everybody. I think we can all be proud of some real progress.

Lists (in spoken form)

“Nos juntamos con mis amiiiiiiiiiiiiigos, fuimos al canaliiiiiiiiiiiito, tomamos unos maaaaaaaaaaates, fuimos al kioooooooooosko, nos compramos carameeeeeeeeeeeeelos, caminamos hasta el ceeeeeeeeeentro, nos encontramos con mis compañeeeeeeeeeeeeros, nos cagamos de riiiiiiiiiiiisa….”

Ad nauseum, ad infinitum